Give Back Their Voice

"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." (Psalm 5:3)

I couldn't believe that I lost my voice! On Friday night at a women's retreat. I was so disappointed that I couldn't sing out loud. Then, the lyrics and music took over and I started singing in my heart, just like I often do when I wanted to sing in the library, grocery store, or the post office. Among friendly sisters, I used my inner voice to sing and worship my Heavenly Father who loves me "just as I am". This experience reminds me that even very quiet people wish someone could listen to them and understand them.

Growing up in Hong Kong, I was told that good students did not ask stupid questions so I stopped asking questions. In the United States, I learned that "There is no stipud question!" In fact, the students (or workers) who get ahead are usually the ones who are curious (i.e. interested) in the subject and willing to ask questions and express their thinking, opinions and feelings.

Because of cultural differences, parents born overseas often feel disrespected when our ABC children and teenagers talk. We label their expressions as "talk backs" even when they honestly want to share something from their heart. We all know someone who answer every "why?" in exactly the same way: "It is, because I say so!" Imagine how such patterns at home could interfere with your children's educational or occupational achievement, or social communication.

When not listened to by their parents, children gradually lose their natural voice. Some of them get angry and yell back in power struggles. Others hold everything inside and become more and more depressed, withdrawn and isolated. Either ways, they have given up talking with their parents. Their communication channels are broken.

Do you have a child, a teen, or even an adult child not talking with you? May be they have lost their voice. They need to feel accepted, loved, respected and safe to speak up again. Depending on your situation, you may need to do some intentional repair work (e.g. filling their emotional tank, asking for forgiveness)! It may take hours, or days, or much longer ... But when they trust that you will truly listen, they will start talking. Don't be surprised when they open their mouths and tell you something you don't want to hear. Whatever they say, do not interrupt, judge, defend, or blame. Just listen! When they are done talking, name their feelings and appreciate their sharing. Give their voice back and start from there.

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC