Sibling Rivalry

"Parents should guard against comparative statements which routinely favor one child over another. This is particularly true in three areas: physical attractiveness, intelligence, and athletic abilities." (Dr. James Dobson, The Strong-Willed Child.)

Favoritism is a common cause of sibling rivalry. Parents may hurt one child unintentionally when too much attention was given to his/her sibling. This is one of my first lessons counseling children in a public school. In a single week, I got two new referrals for two 7-year-old boys. Both teachers told me, “He is always disrupting or distracting the class. He is often angry at other kids ...” Later, I found out that the boys had something else in common. Each had a 4-year-old sister described as "very cute and sweet" by their parents!

I still remembered the day I met one of them. As I walked in the hallway after the morning assembly, I was almost run over by a little boy running towards his classroom. I heard him saying to himself, "I'm late. I'm late. I'm late again. I hate my sister." In counseling, he told me, "My sister does not want to get up. Mom waits for her everyday. She always makes me late." I listened and helped him name his feeling of anger, sadness, and hurt.

I decided to counsel the boys in a group so that they could experience healthy togetherness while competing for adult attention. We played games like Sorry or Uno stacks. Initially, they got angry easily, especially when there was a slight suspicion that I was unfair. In the safe environment, each gradually learned to recognize and express his own feeling, and to accept and show respect and empathy for others. Feeling secured enough, they took their new ways of relating out of the counseling room. I am so grateful that I was there!

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