Cousins and Extended Family

We had a great time last night. When our five-year-old niece gave thanks, she thanked God for all her cousins. My sister-in-law explained later that until recently, her little girl only counted two girls (age 5 and 7) as her cousins because they play together a lot. In her mind, closeness is defined by their time together. Why did she not count her other cousins? Even closer according to the family tree, they are in high school and graduate schools and have their own lives.

When our son was few young, my husband took him to SF almost every weekend whenever I went to work. Grandma and Grandpa took him and his two girl cousins (they are only one year apart) to the Golden Gate Park playground. All three of them are still close to each other and to Grandma.

Parents from overseas often feel sorry for their children (especially an only child) when there is no extended family in the United States. Without brothers, sisters, and cousins living nearby, kids could be quite lonely. It is hard to have lasting friendships with kids at day care and/or team activities when everyone was rushed around or in competition. Some parents do not let their kids play with neighbors who are often of different ages and races. This is very different from the ways we grew up in our old countries. For example, I grew up with 13 cousins under the same roof. At any given time, there were always a few of us who could play together. Besides, I could also walk to my friends near door or within a few blocks, just to hang out.

Our son also spent a lot of time with another boy when he was young. They were only one day apart and look like unidentical twin boys. We lived in different cities but both families made time, even going on vacations together. When he was in kindergarten, we started going to church where he met many other kids of his own age. They were together every week and became like cousins, siblings, and families.

Copyright © 2005 Parenting ABC

Mandatory Mandarin in United States?

"The heavens declare the glory of God; ... Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world." (Psalm 19:1, 4)

Are you aware of a new trend across the United States? Tonight ABC news announced, "from Philadelphia to Portland Oregon, schools are adding Mandarin programs. Some schools even made learning Mandarin mandatory."

The camera showed enthusiastic students in K, 2nd grade, and 8th grade classes reading, speaking, and singing in Mandarin. These students are from the Driscoll public school in Massachusetts. One 8th grader said he liked learning Mandarin because it helped him to prepare for the future. Teachers told them that they would be able to "communicate with one third of the world's population -- the seven percent who speak English, and the 18 percent who speak Mandarin. " Someone else said, "the congress may spend $1B on programs to teach the Chinese culture and language ... It is about getting ahead in the global economy."

Children need to understand other cultures and accept people who are different from themselves not only for economic reason. After his first day of kindergarten, our 5-year-old boy told us he cried because someone said he was not American. I explained that he was born in the United States and an American and added, "Dad came from Taiwan and I came from Hong Kong. We are Chinese but we are American citizens also. You are special because you are Chinese and American. You are BOTH." The next day, I found out that the "someone" was a little boy from India.

Our son attended Chinese school on Friday nights. He understood the benefits after a trip to Taiwan where he played basketball with students who could only speak Mandarin. Like many ABCs, he took Mandarin in college on his own.

Accept the fact that your ABC kids are of both cultures. Listen to their fears and hurts as they search for their identity. Let them enjoy both, not one or the other. For whatever reasons, it is much better for them to speak Cantonese or Mandarin because they want to, not because they have to.

Copyright © 2005 Parenting ABC

Curfew and Murder

"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment..." (Matthew 5:21-22)

David Ludwig, 18, a Pennsylvania teenager is accused of killing the parents of his 14-year-old girlfriend. Apparently, the young man shot Kara Borden's parents once each in the head after an hour-long argument about her curfew when she came home late.

Ludwig took Kara with him. Police sought and chased, and finally captured and arrested the two teenagers in Indiana. He is charged with homicide and kidnapping in Pennsylvania and with recklessness and resisting law enforcement an Indiana. At this moment, police is treated her as a victim.

It may take a while before all the facts are known. One could only imagine the parents' anxiety and agony as they waited until early Sunday morning for their young daughter's return. At that moment, what would be the best way of handling the situation? Did they have to argue with her boyfriend late into the night? Could they have waited until everyone cool down before discussing the situation?

Anger and impulsivity are strong emotions. When powerful emotions are not dealt with constructively, the result could be devastating. In this case two people died, three kids (age 14, 13, 9) became orphans, and a teenager is now facing two murder charges.

I wish everyone can learn self-control and delay gratification!

Copyright © 2005 Parenting ABC

Don't Shake the Baby

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8)

Navy Saha, a San Ramon woman licensed to take care of children in her home was arrested and charged with felony child abuse. A 911 call was made a week or so ago from Saha's home day care business. Paramedics found a 10 months old baby unconscious, and doctors later determined the infant was suffering from shaken baby syndrome. Saha was accused of severely shaking the baby. The infant is still in grave condition with brain damage.

This kind of news leaves parents anxious and worry. If a licensed care worker can do that, how can we guarantee the safety of our infants? Child safety is an important issue that can't be taken lightly. If you see someone doing anything (intentionally or not) that may endanger a child, please stop them immediately.

About 10 years ago, I arrived a house warming party and saw a toddler coming out from the house by himself. The house was at the corner of two busy streets. I grabbed the kid in my arms before he hit the street. Walking through the open front door, I saw a living room filled with people laughing and having a good time. Nobody, not even the parents, was aware that the little kid had left the house.

I don't know what would happen to the shaken baby and Saha. But please, don't shake babies!

Copyright © 2005 Parenting ABC

I Never Heard Him Said Sorry

"yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended ... (2 Corinthians 7:9)

On 4/14/1989, a man murdered seven people including his wife and their two daughters (4 years old and 22 months old). His middle daughter (only 3 y.o.) was badly wounded and left to die. Miraculously she was discovered. Later, she was adopted and raised in Missouri.

Sixteen years later, Carminal Saleido, the lone survivor of the horrific murder, returned to California. Now she talked about being taken to the city dump with her two sisters. She watched dad cut their throats. "Doctors said my neck was also cut for 5 to 6 inches in length ... I only remembered how frightened I was and how he kicked me to the side." Three little bodies were later found by someone. That man initially thought they were broken dolls until he saw Carminal moved.

Ramon Saleido was sent to San Quentin on death row. Carminal was asked how she felt about the dad who killed her mom, grandma, 2 aunts and 2 sisters. She answered with a painful stare, "In my heart I have forgiven him ... but I never heard him said sorry." Did he feel any guilt or sorrow for what he had done? Has he repented?

Most of us do not hurt our children in such horrible crimes. However, children of all ages yearned for unconditional love from their parents. As a counselor, I often heard these words from troubled teenagers: "My parents were always right. I was always wrong ... They never said sorry." Have your actions and words hurt your kids? Is there anyone who needs your apology?

Copyright © 2005 Parenting ABC

Have a Cigarette?

"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. (1 Corinthians 10:23)

The death of Peter Jenning has stirred up public interests in lung cancer. ABC News reported that 160,000 Americans died of lung cancer every year. The number is equivalent to total number of casualties if one jumbo jet crashed everyday of the year.

If lung cancer is the #1 killer in United States, why didn't we pay more attention to it? One theory is that most people just assume that lung cancer is caused by the bad choice of smoking. And we are not supposed to talk about personal choice?!

Nicotine is very addictive and damaging. And it is hurting our young people. It was reported that one quarter of High School kids would smoke before their graduation. Why? They have bought into the marketing hypes that smoking is cool, and a symbol of having a good life just like race cars. When asked why she smoked, one teenage girl gave this reason on camera: "Have a cigarette? That is a really cool way to start a conversation anywhere."

Teach your children how to make healthy choices as they grow by sharing feelings and thoughts in your family. Your goal is to to raise kids who can think on their own rather than just following the crowds. Help them become responsible for themselves. Next time you have a chance, find out what they think about smoking. Better yet, you can set good example by not smoking!

Copyright © 2005 Parenting ABC