Learning Differences or Difficulties?

"But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it." (Numbers 14:24)

I have been asked a lot about learning difficulties. When frustrated parents wonder whether they need to hold back a kid in school, I help them explore and understand the child as a whole person. Instead of labeling them with a learning disorder, we need to understand more about the learning situations. Other than medications, there may be ways of increasing focus and learning. Why? Because a child (or teenager) may fail in school for reasons other than their IQ and mental capacities. The root of school problems could be physical (e.g. eye vision or hearing problem), emotional (e.g. going through parents' divorce or grieving the death of a grandparent), social (e.g. no friend), or spiritual (e.g. afraid of taking risk, losing hope and future in life).

Let us remember that people learn differently because God made us unique. Parents and teachers can definitely help kids learn how to learn better. One way of unlocking children's learning potential is to use various methods (e.g. audio, visual, action) to give them the information and remember the materials. I am motivated to find ways of helping kids compensate for their weaknesses and focus on their strengths based on success stories of "late bloomers" such as these:

Winston Churchill was hyperactive, he had a speech defect and problems with reading. Albert Einstein failed many math courses in school and his teachers thought he was too slow and too much of a daydreamer. Thomas Edison remembered never getting along at school because he could not remember things. Author and Poet Amy Lowell had math problems.

Success breeds successes! Sometimes all it takes is for one adult to believe in and encourage a young person. Parents tend to minimize what our kids are good at and maximize their failure. Could it be that we don't see our children's strengths because they are very different from us? There is always hope in Christ if we are willing to learn and to improve. Never give up!

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC

Olympics Heros

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Hebrews 12:1)

Joey Cheek won two medals in the Winter Olympics in Speed Skating. He made the headline when he donated $40,000 in bonus money (= $25,000 for Gold and $15,000 for Silver) to "Right to Play." That organization was founded by another Olympian. It uses sports to promote a healthier lifestyle for underprivileged children in 20 countries across Africa, Asia and the Middle East.

Cheek also asked Corporate sponsors to match his donation and $300,000 has been collected in one week. His teammates want him to carry the U.S. flag at the Olympics closing ceremony.

I don't know whether Joey Cheek is a Christian but I remember another Olympics hero whose story inspired the movie "Chariot of Fire." Eric Liddell refused to run on Sunday in the semi-finals of his best event. However, he ran in another event (not his strongest) and won. Later, he went to China as a missionary and died there. His short life made a big difference, inspiring other young people to serve God.

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC

Child Hero

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)

Have you heard the news a few days ago? A 12-year-old boy, John Farrar of Arkansas, became a child hero when he gave up a personal dream for higher purpose.

John has been saving money for a trip to see the New York Yankees, his favorite baseball team. Even though he considers baseball his life and has big league dream, John did something extraordinary for his age. In January, after finding out that his middle school would be closed due to budget shortage, John donated $1,000 (his saving) to keep his junior high school open. Motivated by John's sacrificial giving, townspeople around raised $400,000 in 30 days.

When interviewed, John's mom said, "I told him he really needed to think about this and pray about it. He told me that he just thought this was the right thing to do." If the story ends there, John Farrar has already accomplished what he set out to do and his parents would be proud of him.

Nevertheless, his act of selfishness caught the attention of the owner of the New York Yankees. George Steinbrenner wrote to John and invited him to New York for a personal tour of Yankee Stadium. He would have time on the field during practice as well. Pretty amazing! Isn't it?

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC

Who Am I Anyway?

"Does the eagle soar at your command and build his nest on high?" (Job 39:27) "Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's?" (Psalm 103:5)

God has changed me so drastically in the second half of my life that sometimes people could not figure me out. Those who worked with me 15-25 years ago may only remember me as a no-nonsense technical, analytical, professional business woman. However, those who know me for 10 years or less may only see me as a touchy feely type. Who am I really? In the last two blog entries, I share why I identify myself as an eagle. Do you know which animals or birds your kids and teenagers identify themselves with?

Sometimes we do things according to our history and culture, living out a script that someone else has written. The traditional Chinese culture may teach children to be humble while in the United States people say, "If you don't toot your own horn, nobody else will." How then shall we teach our kids?

I would have never known the importance of training and molding our son to be an American Born Christian (ABC) if I did not experience the grace of God. One of the best gifts parents can give to our kids is an appropriate view of who God is and who we are. God has designed and given each of us some gifts and talents, yet we all have our limits because we are mere human beings. The more we understand and accept our own feeling, thinking, desires, wishes, strengths and weaknesses, the more comfortable we are under our own skins. When we feel safe, we can be vulnerable, humble, and open to love and life.

Do you know people who are very controlling? Everything has to happen according to to their ways and their timing. Watch your children's attitudes and help them to be humble and open. I am not talking about false humility or putting up a facade, and I am not talking about feeling inferior. Help your kids to be who they are designed to be.

As Christian, I believe our ultimate purpose is to glorify God. The best way to do so is to fully develop into whom God has created us to be.

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC

Stirling Up the Nest

"Like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions." (Deuteronomy 28:49)

Children need a sense of increasing competence, self-mastery, and independence. Able to handle a “kid's size” problem without parental help is one step closer for them to face bigger problems in the future. Where else can they learn to deal with life on their own? Independence is best developed gradually within proper limits and abundant parental love and support. Boundary provides a safe place for children to freely think, feel and act. Such boundary should expand as they grow.

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, and you feed him for a life time." Children does not become an independent and responsible adult all at once when they turn 18 or leave for college. It is helpful for parents to understand developmental cycles and the range of normal physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual characteristics within each stage. While you may have functioned very well as their manager when they were young, at certain point, you have to become a coach, and then later a consultant for your teenagers.

Confused and disapponted that their well-behaved and compliant child would get into troubles in their teens, parents often ask why. The answers are usually some combination of teen's impulsive search for excitment, the fear of rejection, or the inability of dealing with peer pressure. Have they learned how to say No? Have they made mistakes and learned from experience? Do they have good judgment and conviction? Can they stand up for themselves?

Parents, don't be afraid of letting children choose what to eat and to wear as long as you are teaching and showing them how to think. In age-appropriate ways, share with them some of your own struggles, options, alternatives and consequences and how you have made decisions. It is through thousands of such small steps (and even mistakes) that we prepare children to leave home.

I believe it is good to stirl up the nest and let our young people step out of their comfort zones. Just stay in their lives and watch. Catch them fall if it is absolutely necessary. This is the second reason I identify myself as an eagle.

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC

Hope in the Lord - Soar Like Eagles

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:29-31)

From as earlier as I could remember, I was told these words: "Get a good education, find a good job, work hard, save money. You need to take care of yourself. Don't trust anyone to take care of you, especially not your husband." These were mom's words of wisdom for my own good, based on her experience. It was hard for my mom to feel rejected and betrayed for giving birth to two girls in a row.

Being the second girl, I was determined to prove that I was better than the boys. I studied Math and Science, became student leader, played basketball and ran track. In college, I majored in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. I was driven to succeed in the then male-dominated software business. My IQ (and a Berkeley degree) got me hired, my hard work and EQ got me promoted again and again. I directed engineering teams and coordinated complex development projects. My mom would have been so proud of me!

Unfortunately, my mom passed away at age 48 even before I graduated from college, so she never had a chance to share my successes. Deep down inside, I felt inadequate as a wife and a mother. To avoid the pain of not measuring up, I focused on what I did well and became a workaholic. In my early thirties, I already had everything I ever wanted but I felt tired and my life felt empty. What would happen after my half time?

My life changed after I became a Christian in January 1989. My spiritual renewal helped me transitioned into the second half of my life. With new found faith, hope and love, I started to trust in the Lord and did not rely on my own understanding. Secured in God's love, I stepped into uncharted waters. In the last 17 years, I have built new software teams, filed a few patents, became a stay-at-home mom, seminary student, Children's minister, counseling intern, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and even a pastor's wife. (Oh yes, the engineer I married 30 years ago has become a minister of God's Words.) I sing, write, train, and counsel people, experiencing freedom I never had before.

I am discovering who God has designed me to be and what He has purposed me to do. I'm having fun and adventures with my family and friends. In my mind's eyes, I have indeed soared like eagles. That's one of the reasons I identify myself as an eagle.

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC

Give Back Their Voice

"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." (Psalm 5:3)

I couldn't believe that I lost my voice! On Friday night at a women's retreat. I was so disappointed that I couldn't sing out loud. Then, the lyrics and music took over and I started singing in my heart, just like I often do when I wanted to sing in the library, grocery store, or the post office. Among friendly sisters, I used my inner voice to sing and worship my Heavenly Father who loves me "just as I am". This experience reminds me that even very quiet people wish someone could listen to them and understand them.

Growing up in Hong Kong, I was told that good students did not ask stupid questions so I stopped asking questions. In the United States, I learned that "There is no stipud question!" In fact, the students (or workers) who get ahead are usually the ones who are curious (i.e. interested) in the subject and willing to ask questions and express their thinking, opinions and feelings.

Because of cultural differences, parents born overseas often feel disrespected when our ABC children and teenagers talk. We label their expressions as "talk backs" even when they honestly want to share something from their heart. We all know someone who answer every "why?" in exactly the same way: "It is, because I say so!" Imagine how such patterns at home could interfere with your children's educational or occupational achievement, or social communication.

When not listened to by their parents, children gradually lose their natural voice. Some of them get angry and yell back in power struggles. Others hold everything inside and become more and more depressed, withdrawn and isolated. Either ways, they have given up talking with their parents. Their communication channels are broken.

Do you have a child, a teen, or even an adult child not talking with you? May be they have lost their voice. They need to feel accepted, loved, respected and safe to speak up again. Depending on your situation, you may need to do some intentional repair work (e.g. filling their emotional tank, asking for forgiveness)! It may take hours, or days, or much longer ... But when they trust that you will truly listen, they will start talking. Don't be surprised when they open their mouths and tell you something you don't want to hear. Whatever they say, do not interrupt, judge, defend, or blame. Just listen! When they are done talking, name their feelings and appreciate their sharing. Give their voice back and start from there.

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC

Unresolved Conflicts Only Hurt Your Child

"Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." (Proverbs 13:10)

The unfolded story of Kayla Reed is very disturbing. The 15-year-old left her house after midnight. Mom reported to the police 2 days later. Police treated it as a runaway case because "Kayla was mad at her Mom." When Kayla did not contact family or friends for a while, she was declared a missing person. Friends said they knew Kayla had an unhappy home life. Neighbors said they often heard yelling and fighting and someone even had called police before.

On one website, a "co-worker of dad" wrote that dad heard of Kayla's missing from the radio, not mom, not police. On another site, "grandma (dad's mom)" was angry that the police did not look for dad on her mom's words that she couldn't find him. "Grandma" defended dad as paying monthly support and even had a meeting scheduled in February on child support issues.

Whatever the truth really is, I feel deep sorrow when I think about Kayla. How many people in her life realized that the girl with such a beautiful smile might be mad, sad, lonely and afraid inside?

I wish all parents remember this: Even in cases where separation and divorce are involved, children still need to have the love and guidance from both parents. Do not abandon your responsibility and do not fight your partners without thinking about what is best for your children. Better yet, would you two resolve your conflicts before it was too late?

Copyright © 2006 Winnis Chiang, Parenting ABC