One Week Behind Schedule

We visited Dr. L. yesterday morning. After examining James' eyes, he said, "This is the first time we see deep chamber after the operation. The eye pressure measures 10. You are now at the stage how we expected you to be at a week ago. I can't tell whether the macular hole has closed yet because the gas bubble is blocking my view. The next few weeks will be a boring waiting period to answer two questions:

(1) Is the hole going to close?
(2) Is the retina going to stay attached? (This is the most important reason for having this operation.)"

So, after next Monday's eye examination, we most likely will only have to visit doctor once a week! Thank God we survived the unexpected detour and delay.

Eye Pressure Up and Down

I thought his eye pressure would stay normal when I posted something in the morning of November 18th. I was so disappointed when it measured at 30 that afternoon at the doctor's. Dr. D. prescribed additional eye drop and a pill to release the pressure, and James slept pretty well that night. On Monday, November 19th, we saw Dr. L. soon after 7:45 a.m. The eye pressure was at 20. It was in normal range! After monitoring for another hour or so, the doctor declared, "You are out of ICU and into transitional care. I will give you a day off. Come back on Wednesday morning."

With the good news, I no longer ran on adrenaline. On the way home, I started sneezing and feeling weird. I took cold medicine and went to bed. Other than eating and giving him eye drops and medicine, both of us just slept and slept.

It was so good to have one day off from the doctors. My prayer was answered. This morning, James' eye pressure was at 19. "The retina looks good. The eye pressure is under control. But the iris is very close to the cornea." So we received another eye drop and stopped some. We will see Dr. L. again in two days. James is under best care.

As you can imagine, my mood changed when the eye pressure went up and down. The holiday reminds me to thank God for His provision, protection, timing and healing, and to thank our friends for their prayers, well wishes e-mail messages, flowers, even meals brought to our home. Our hearts are deeply touched. God has demonstrated His love and faithfulness through people around us.

Angels Sent to Help

Yesterday we went to see Dr. D. whom was asked by Dr. L. to take care of James this weekend. James' right eye pressure was 14 and left eye pressure was 16. Dr. D. is a glaucoma specialist so we are really in good hands.

As I reflected on what happened in the last few days, I see God's loving hands upon us everyday beyond giving us skillful doctors who care. So many people are praying for us and brought us news of comfort. For example, on Wednesday, 11/14/07, I was told that there was an article on World Journal about Vitrectomy. The next night, Thursday, 11/15/07, one of my prayer partners told me about a brother who had the same operation in both his eyes, one year apart. I actually got to talk with that brother about his experience. Could you believe that his wife and I were on a cruise together in the summer of 2001 with mutual friends?

I am so grateful for all these angels sent to help us during this difficult time.

Gas Exchange

Yesterday morning, Dr. L. suspected the C3F8 gas was still expanding in James' case and made a decision to exchange the gas in the bubble with a lower concentration of the same gas. James' left eye pressure went from 42 to 8 in a short (30min?) time. After a few hours of monitoring, we were sent home in early afternoon. The good news is that James' severe headache has been gone and he was able to eat, rest and sleep.

I knew James was doing better after the gas exchange when he asked me to read the Bible as he was lying face down in the clinic. Although I thought he dozed off, he surprised me by asking me to continue. He was tracking what I was reading! After dinner that evening, he asked me to read again so I read Numbers 26:1-51 according his reading plan. There were a lot of names and I had my mouthful. For once, I was extremely patient reading those Biblical character names in English when James told me their Hebrew pronunciations. I was happy that his headache was gone and his mind was working.

James did not throw up on Friday night at all and he was sound asleep. I slept well too although I woke up to check on him many times (just like a mother would check on her baby if there were no noise). Sound asleep often bothered me in the past but this time, I was very happy to hear him sleep and thank God he was making noises.

Eye Pressure Scare

We went to see Dr. L. this morning. James was in great pain. His eye pressure climbed as high as 53 when the normal range is between 9 to 21. (His right eye pressure maintained its level at 14.)

Dr. L. explained to us two common reasons for high eye pressure after vitrectomy: (1) gas was still expanding in the bubble and (2) the outflow of fluid was blocked. He used different ways to release the pressure (e.g. tap off a tiny little bit of gas) and make "structural" adjustments (e.g. using laser to open up a tiny channel for fluid to flow from back to the front of the eye).

Because of James near sightedness, his eye is very elongated. Now he has very small open space between his cornea and iris. Adjustments could only be made in tiny steps under microscope, sometimes 30 minutes to 1 hour apart without affecting the long-term benefit of vitrectomy. We have been staying in one of the offices until 5 p.m. the last two days. The doctor said this is like ICU. Will he get better?

"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield" (Psalm 33:20).

Post Operation Crises

James' left eye surgery on 11/13/07 (Tuesday) went smoothly. However, once the numbness (local) was gone, James was feeling great pain and eye pressure that also gave him a real bad headache. He could not sleep well and he threw up early morning on 11/14/07 (Wednesday) and on our way to the clinic for post-op check up.

It took more than an hour on four highways to get to clinic! I tried very hard to be patient stuck in traffic at the exchanges. It was hard to keep his face down in the car. (I would throw up too if I had to sit like that for one hour. I thought about driving on local route to avoid traffic but worried that the road is too winding.)

Dr. L released some of James' eye pressure with eye drops and asked us to go back the next day at 11:30 a.m. (or if needed, as early as 7:40 a.m. ) James seemed better when we got home around 1:30 p.m. and was able to eat a light lunch. Unfortunately, eye pressure started to build up again and he had great pain and headache, so he ate very little dinner.

I did not expect intensive post operation treatments. I pray that we don't have to travel to doctor's office everyday. I worry about his eye pressure, headache, pain and lack of sleep. Will the nternal of his eye heal? Will he eventually see better? Will I have the love, joy, patience and strength to be a responsible and loving nurse and driver?

He looked miserable. I will take him to the clinic first thing in the morning!

Anxiety Kills

Today is the big day! I went to the post office, the gym, and the grocery store in the morning. I knew I had to take care of James after the surgery. When I got home, I was shocked that James had moved the facedown chair upstairs and set up his computer screen so that he could see it when facing down.

He had a happy face when he showed me his proud accomplishment. Instead, I was mad. "Why did you do that? You are not supposed to move heavy stuff. And why do you have to use your computer after surgery?"

At that moment, the phone rang and a sister asked about the time of surgery. "We have to check in at 12:30 or so. It may be 1-2 hours before they operate." When she said she wanted to come to pray with me, I said no. I was still angry when I took the garbage out. Then I heard her voice. She was getting out of her car holding a box and some Chinese newspapers. "I'm not going to come in. I baked a banana cake. Here, some World Journals for you to read."

We will be leaving for the hospital soon. Sure I was anxious about what would happen, but why didn't I try to understand his perspective? After all, this is before his operation! All he wanted is to make his recuperation a little more enjoyable. Instead of showing some understanding and acceptance, I was mad at him. Is that the way to prepare someone for surgery? Ugh! I'd better apologize before we go!

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law" (Galatians 5:22-23).

All Sufficient Grace

I felt much better after our Bible Study yesterday morning. In the afternoon we received two calls, one from the eye doctor's office, another from the nurse who was going to do the pre-op. "Can you change your appointment?" At the end, we were able to keep the eye doctor's appointment but the pre-op physical exam was changed to Monday. Because we were going to rent the facedown equipment on Monday, now we have to see whether we can pick it up this morning.

So we were driving around all day and I did not get back to my computer until almost 4 P.M. and time was running out. The traffic was pretty bad in the afternoon. My head was swirling, and I started to feel anxious. Would I have enough time to make the changes I want and print out the handouts and make copies? How many people would show up? Would they like my talk?

For twenty minutes or so, I was staring at my power point slides but I could not focus on exactly what I needed to do. Then I remembered Apostle Paul's experience which has also been proven true in my life. I need to cry for help!

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 corinthians 12:9).

Panic Attack?

I thought I was doing pretty well in spite of James' upcoming eye surgery. But I was wrong. After working with clients all day on Tuesday, I went home to prepare dinner and eat with James. I did not even feel tired. But just when we were ready to leave for a meeting, my stomach started to turn. My chess tightened. I felt lightheaded, dizzy and nausea. My limbs felt weak and started to sweat. I was short of breath in the car. I told James and our co-workers, "I may be coming down with something." But my symptoms were gone once we sat down and discussed church matters.

I seemed okay on Wednesday too. Then those terrible sensations returned after dinner on our way to prayer meeting. I tried to stay quiet; then I told them I wasn't feeling well. They asked about my symptoms. I felt sick to the stomach when one person joked about me getting pregnant, and I felt worse and worse when others were wondering whether I got the flu virus.

Frustrated, I told them, "I didn't want to come tonight but I wanted to pray with you." Then I heard a sister's gentle voice, "You must be under a lot of pressure." I fought back tears as I nodded. Finally, someone understands. Before long, the tightness from my chest was lifted and I could breathe and pray.

So a panic attack could happen to me! So many things had happened in the last few weeks. I went about helping others and forgot to take care of myself. Is it wrong to feel anxious and afraid when I'm facing uncertainty and pressure? (James' surgery is next Tuesday, I have to take him to pre-op exams, and give the Parenting Talk on Friday!)

This morning in our fellowship, we studied the passage about Jesus walking on the water in a storm (Mark 6:45-56). The Lord said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." What a timely reminder that Jesus is with us. We can count on Him to take care of us just as he has done before.

Changing Plan

I was excited to be asked to lead workshops on "Depression" for caregivers of cancer patients. I spoke with their Cantonese group in 2005 and welcome another chance -- especially now I could speak to both the Mandarin and the Cantonese group. We initially thought about November 17th, but the date was eventually set to December 8th to avoid Thanksgiving activities.

On October 16th, the day after getting a second opinion for James' left eye, I asked the organizers to pray for us. Both of them wrote back. One E-mail included this note: "In case the 12/8 commitment becomes a challenge for you, please let us know. We can postpone your presentation and plan for other speaker on other subjects."

I appreciated their support and I prayed for the will of God. After getting the surgery schedule, I sensed that I should let go and wrote them on Novemeber 1st: "I still love to talk with your group, but I don't think it is realistic to ask another person to step in at the last minute (in case I could not make it). Therefore, I sincerely ask you to arrange someone else to speak on December 8th. Please apologize to your caregivers on my behalf ... Part of me has been rationalizing that James' situation is small comparing to what cancer patients have to go through. Then the counselor in me asked the question 'whose pain is most painful?' I hesitate to back out from commitment but I have to be real. In all these, I am grateful that we changed the date from November 17th to December 8th. I hope it is not too late for you to find another speaker. May be he/she can speak on Depression as we originally planned ..."

I had peace after hitting SEND. To my surprise, I received this reply: "We felt you understood what our caregivers need, so we will postpone your presentation until you feel OK to resume ..."

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1).